Rejection vs. Judgement

I don't normally write about psychology stuff, but I have a general principle of content -

When something affects me emotionally, it's likely to do the same for other humans.

After all, we're mostly the same.

So, this morning I was on a coaching call with a group I'm a member of.

The man teaching was talking about self-sabotage, and the harm this causes over a lifetime.

And when he spoke about avoidance as a form of self-sabotage it made a big bell ring inside my head.

I've recognized this avoidant behaviour pattern in myself for a long time - delaying facing up to difficult things when I know I should.

I work to change it when I spot it, but it's a sneaky little bugger that can fly pretty well under the radar.

So I got to thinking about WHY this behavior exists.

What lies underneath, and what form of fear drives avoidance?

Because if I can root out the driver of a behaviour and solve it at the source, I don't need to waste all that time and energy policing it.

I've always thought avoidance was about fear of rejection.

But as I've been doing sales for several years, I'm pretty used to rejection, and it mostly doesn't bother me anymore.

When someone rejects what I'm offering, I understand that it's because the offer doesn't fulfill their needs right now.

I understand that 'No' today does not mean 'No' forever.

And I don't take it personally.

But this morning I sat with the question for a few minutes, and I realized that there's something more fundamentally painful than rejection -

Judgement.

Where rejection is witholding approval temporarily, judgement is removing approval permanently.

There's a finality to judgement that's expressed in powerful institutions like courts, sports, and religion.

Every child has experienced the powerlessness of receiving a disapproving judgement from a parental figure.

The memory of that feeling never fully goes away.

And most cultures have a story about the judgement we will all face on the day of our death.

When the hammer falls, and there's nothing more to be said.

So it's only natural we fear judgement - and our instinctual reaction is to try to avoid it.

That fear is what holds us back from doing the things we know we must do.

So it's got to go.

I don't have the answer to this one yet, but talking about it with my group this morning, and writing about it to you is the first step to making the changes that will support more growth and success.

If this resonates, I hope it might help you too.

Your friend,

John Caprani